I woke up late.
Studied for a test.
Got abandoned by friends.
Took a test.
Felt like I wanted to punch a baby.
Raged inside my mind.
Said “I’ll be back”—
Tried to climb to the roof.
Found a shady bench.
Meditated.
Calmed the storm.
Ate a thousand calories worth of three-musketeers.
Stalked an adorable baby.
Flipped off my friend.
Watched the paint chip mural.
Lost myself in the ever changing colors.
Found love in a romance novel.
I woke. I lived. I slept.

Y’all are probably going to think I’m insane.  I can’t find what I’m looking for, its the stupidest thing really.  But there’s this notebook, that we had to keep for school, and it was a yellow composition notebook, wide ruled, 8.5X6.5 inches, but on the front and back cover had been glued cardboard and then I taped this red, flower patterned fabric on it.  It looks very nice. See the thing is, I CAN’T FIND IT! And you’re probably wonder, why do you need it? Honestly, I don’t, but I’d like to make another one to write in, and so it’d be nice to have an example.  But see, once I look for something, that I can’t find, then I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this loop, because its none of the places it should be, heck its not even in the places it shouldn’t be, and I just can’t move on. I can’t get past the fact that I don’t have it. I don’t need it, I just need to FIND it. 

I build boxes
Glass fishbowls
Rectangular
2’x4’x7’
They’re quite…
Sturdy.
Or is durable
The word?

They take
Quite a force to break,
But if you look close
You can see the air holes

And concentrate
Real hard
You can disappear
Into the air;
Leave glass
Prisons behind.

You can build
A pyramid
Out of boxes
They’re just
Hollow blocks

Climb your way
All the way to the top
On the expectations
You’ve defied. 

cloudsgreyandchile replied to your post: Twilight

‘the clocks finish their circle’-love it

glad you like it! I think I was staring at a clock while I wrote it. though it was no where near twilight 

I breath twilight
the faded pink
fills my lungs
with the hope of new dawn.

But twilight
is not sunrise
and this day
is not beginning
but ending.

As clocks finish
their circle
and minds begin
to rest,

My day is over
and with it
all I have won
I cannot keep
and all I have lost
I cannot gain.

Only memories
keep me company
in darkness.

lay me down
in the river gold
wash away my sins
breathe new life again

in the river gold
precious metals
do not compare

wash away my sins
with pure water
one again whole

breathe new life again
and with new breath
proclaim what has been done 

So I haven’t really posted anything for the past week, except for one old poem.  Basically, I haven’t been writing, so no writing, no posting.  Sorry. 

I’ve guess I’ve kinda been going through a breakdown/mini depression.  Its been some ups and downs, but its just mostly been an overwhelming sense of, I do not want to be here, combined with loneliness.  I got to the point yesterday where I just was so sick of words.  I write most often when I’m upset and it helps me express myself, but I just got so frustrated, feeling that words were never going to fix any of my problems, and there was no point in wasting my time.  I could spend all my time writing words, as plentiful as the ocean has water, and I would be no closer to the mountains, and still have no one to hold me.  I spent Thursday afternoon wandering, listening to florence + the machine until my ipod ran out of battery.  I’ve been avoiding home as much as possible because home, is where I have to wear the mask of happiness, and home is where I’m most alone.  You have to understand two things, first, I don’t like wearing a mask, I can, but its almost always around adults who I don’t want to explain these things to, and when its to my parents, I get extremely bitchy after a short while.  Secondly, I really shouldn’t get lonely.  I have a number of friends whom I love dearly, and all love me so much and I know that.  I’m just a selfish bitch who wishes she had it all, and the only thing I don’t get is physical comfort.  I mean sometimes, the only cure to shit that you cant deal with, is to bury your head into someone else’s chest, and let him be your shield.  The only thing I’m missing in this world is someone to lean on when I feel like the world is falling apart around me.  But of course, the one thing I want most, is the one thing I’m least likely to get.

I’m thankful though that I have friends who notice when I’m upset and randomly show up at my house with four types of ice cream bars because I refused to say which one was my favorite type.  That I get text messages telling me how wonderful I am and that they will always be there for me. Or chocolate bars and notes about how I’ll get through this. I mean really, I don’t deserve friends as fantastic as I have.